Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Somedays You're the Fire Hydrant....


Kathy and I used to own two Rottweilers named Midnight and Raven. They were both male dogs. When we would let them loose in the backyard, it was amusing to watch them follow each other around marking and remarking their territory. Raven would sprinkle his ownership on a helpless bush and Midnight would be right behind him to reclaim it for himself. On and on the struggle for ownership would rage in our backyard.

Struggling to possess and own is not limited to the canine world. Attempting to carve out territory and proclaim ownership is, unfortunately, a temptation for us. We want to take and hold as though we can grasp these things forever. But what we have today will be someone else’s tomorrow. We are simply momentary caretakers.

Far from being depressing, this is liberating. We are free to enjoy without the burden of ownership. Possessions can be enjoyed and shared, rather than becoming chains that bind us or things that possess us. There used to be an adage that stated “He who dies with the most toys wins.” Maybe, but he who dies with the most toys still dies.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

And Then The Fight Started...

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
Anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 In about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
Kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
Drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
Hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think that a person could go on
Celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
Order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
Grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a Torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband Is out fishing in that?'
And then the fight started ...

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...

Saturday, February 2, 2008

Just For Fun...From Craigslist!

The Dog's Diary

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 PM - Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

The Cat's Diary

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and Snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the Guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an Elevated Cell, so he is safe.

Sunday, December 30, 2007

Potatoes!


An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son Fred, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Fred,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love,
Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, don't dig up that garden! That's where I buried the BODIES!
Love,
Fred

At 4am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love,
Fred

(From http://www.rose-hulman.edu/~zeigleem/potatoes.htm)

Monday, December 17, 2007

From http://qdb.us/118151:

I rear-ended a car this morning. So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car . . . and you know how you just get sooo stressed and life seems to get funny? Well, I could NOT believe it . . .he was a DWARF! He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"

So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you then?"... and THAT'S when the fight started . ..

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Laughter

Just to make you smile, a few true embarrassing stories from doctors.
  • A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs -and I was in the wrong one. Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald
  • At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient. Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes

For more, go to http://www.bubblejive.com/funny-moments-for-doctors!

Monday, October 22, 2007

Raspberry Ice Cream and the Meaning of Life


I have long believed that it is fortunate for the more plebeian lovers of vanilla, chocolate or strawberry ice cream that raspberry ice cream was not the first flavor of ice cream developed. For if raspberry ice cream would have been the first, there would have been no need for additional flavors. The reason is obvious; you cannot improve on perfection. There is no epicurean delight to compare with the experience of raspberry ice cream. It makes my taste buds dance like happy little bunnies celebrating the dawning of a spring morning. To me it is the perfect food; faultless in texture, pleasing in color and magnificent in taste. I like raspberry ice cream.

In addition to their use ice cream, raspberries have given pleasure to the human palate since prehistoric times. They are used in pastries, soups, salads, jellies, sauces and mousses. The ancient Romans enjoyed this fruit while watching contests in The Coliseum. While on their quests to the Middle East, the Crusaders stumbled across these delightful berries and were so taken by them that they brought them back to Europe. There are over 200 varieties of raspberry. Red raspberries originated in Asia Minor and black raspberries are native to North America. The English took seriously the improvement of the raspberry and eventually exported the plants to the United States. Some cultures consider raspberries aphrodisiacs and other civilizations use raspberry tea to calm upset stomachs.

Raspberries also have a place in popular American culture. Fans of comedy are familiar with the sound of the “raspberry tart.” Referring to the verbal taunt, the Merriam Webster Dictionary delicately defines a raspberry tart “as a sound of contempt made by protruding the tongue between the lips and expelling air forcibly to produce a vibration.” Each year The Golden Raspberry Award Foundation bestows The Razzie awards. According to their website,

Starting with an Oscar Night ceremony so small it was actually staged in a living room alcove, The Golden Raspberry (RAZZIE) Awards have grown into what E! On-Line recently called, "the foremost authority on all things that suck on the big screen." Annually presenting Dis-Honors for Worst Achievements in Film since 1980 in categories ranging from the obvious (Worst Picture, Actor and Actress) to the obtuse (Worst Remake or Sequel and Worst Screen Couple) The RAZZIES today receive television, radio and newspaper coverage around the world.[1]

In the 1970’s, The Raspberries, with most notable member Eric Carmen, scored hits with “Go All The Way (1972)” and “Overnight Sensation (1974).” Finally, a first degree abrasion, the kind that happens from a scrape or fall, is often referred to as “a raspberry.” In more ways than one, raspberries are all around us. Beyond the gastronomical delights and practical uses of raspberries, they also serve well as a lesson for life. The excellence of the “berry of the gods” is allegorical to our struggle in this life.

Many people settle for second best because they are not aware that anything better is possible. They live lives of quiet resignation, settling for strawberry because raspberry is not available at their local ice cream parlor. They live in bondage to their pain because they have not heard of the one who has come “to proclaim freedom for the prisoners.”[2] They settle for superficial relationships because they do not understand the depth of commitment than can exist between two friends who center their relationship in the Father’s love.[3] These poor souls marginalize their own significance because they compare themselves with others instead of embracing their identity as a child who the Heavenly Father loves. Some even try to earn a salvation that has already been secured by the redemptive work of Christ. They live what they know because another option has never been offered.

Not all tragedy stems from ignorance. While many can be no more than they know, others will be no more than their resignation allows. Theirs is not a lack of knowledge; theirs is a lack of motivation. Raspberry ice cream is a freezer staple in the Northeast; here in Kansas it is as foreign as a day without wind. To be a devotee of a locally nonexistent flavor is a hard thing. To live differently in this world is to follow a hard path. To reject the cynicism and self-absorption of our culture is to walk apart from the mainstream. It requires a certain amount of character to be the only one in line who does not order a chocolate cone. Jesus encourages his followers to count the cost because following him is costly.[4] As Dietrich Bonhoeffer writes in his masterwork The Cost of Discipleship, “When Christ calls a man he bids him ‘Come and die.” Christ calls us to die to the status quo and to instead live for something better.

So what is a raspberry lover to do in a vanilla world? How do we live in the abundant love of a caring Heavenly Father in a cruel, cold world? That’s easy: share the wealth. Just a Paul shared with the Corinthian Church, we have the privilege to pass on to others what we have received from the Father. To those who are poor in spirit, we can share the love the Father lavishes on us. To those imprisoned by their past, we can proclaim the true freedom of a life redeemed. When we meet those who are blind to themselves and to others, we can witness to the truth of the Father’s perspective on their lives. To those who are oppressed by sin, we can declare the immediacy of the Lord’s favor. There is a reason that it is called “Good News.” At the ice cream counter of life, the Father does not offer us a small scoop of vanilla in a paper cup. He offers us a triple scoop of raspberry ice cream in a waffle cone.


[1] http://razzies.com/asp/content/XcNewsPlus.asp?cmd=view&articleid=8 accessed February 20, 2004.

[2] Luke 4:18.

[3] I Samuel 20:42.

[4] Luke 14:25-33.

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