A Year To Heal

People say I'm crazy doing what I'm doing,
Well they give me all kinds of warnings to save me from ruin,
When I say that I'm o.k. they look at me kind of strange,
Surely your not happy now you no longer play the game,

People say I'm lazy dreaming my life away,
Well they give me all kinds of advice designed to enlighten me,
When I tell that I'm doing fine watching shadows on the wall,
Don't you miss the big time boy you're no longer on the ball?

I'm just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round,
I really love to watch them roll,
No longer riding on the merry-go-round,
I just had to let it go,
- John Lennon

And I won't break and I won't bend
And with the last breath we ever take
We're gonna get back to the simple life again
- Bernie Taupin

Then he pulled that old Houdini, like we always knew he would.
-Tony Carey

After years of frantic activity, I hit a wall. Granted, my life probably wouldn’t have appeared hectic through Type-A eyes, but, as an introvert, it was too much. In the absence of building a life, I built a list of accomplishments. Instead of concentrating on becoming the man the Father created me to be, I invested in helping others discover the truth. Instead of dealing with my own issues (attachment, boundaries, depression, anxiety, megalomania – I just put that last one in to see if you were paying attention), I was trying to help others. Finally, when an 18 year relationship ended and I stood at the verge of a new calling, my gas gauge registered "empty." You can call it a “mid-life crisis,” “burnout” or whatever you choose, but it was big, sudden and profound. I realized that I could either do the same things again and inflict the same wounds on myself or I could choose instead the much more difficult better path. In the Father’s love, which I absolutely do not deserve, he has given me the chance and the grace to take a year to heal.

A year sounds like a long time – and it is. But, it is less than 2% of a normal life span. And it is this year that will shape the next few years. I have been so busy trying to see things from other people’s viewpoint that I have neglected to see them for myself. For twelve months I want to listen to the still small voice. For 365 days, I want to try to live differently. And I am already seven months into that year…so far, so good. But, some of this stuff is hard...really hard.

So, does this mean that I am checking out…perhaps becoming a hermit? Yes and no. It does not mean that I am quitting my current job working with a group of followers of Jesus. I've got several projects with them that I am jazzed about. It does not mean that I am moving or that I will become a recluse. But, it does mean that I must step back from doing and step into being. It means that I must step back in order to ever have a chance to step forward again. Some concrete steps include:

1. Investing my time more strategically and in a more focused way. For this year, instead of putting down roots, I am clearing trees. Instead of building castles, I’m laying a foundation.

2. Deliberately not repaying evil for evil, but instead trying to overcome evil with good.

3. Spending more time reading and, as my friend Steve says, “Pondering.”

4. Directly addressing my issues, including attachment, boundaries, depression, anxiety and, of course, megalomania.

5. Learning to eat normally.

6. Exercising every day.

7. Only checking my phone messages once a day and my email twice.

8. Not responding to every comment, criticism, rumor, challenge or opportunity.

9. Having a cup of chamomile tea with honey and lemon before I go to bed.

Several of these I have been doing for the past few months; others I am developing more recently. But, without exception, these are all having a profound impact on how I see life and ministry.

So why am I sharing this with you? Well, part of it is because you are someone who decided to read these words. You may be reading them because I asked you to or you may be reading them because you stumbled upon them. For those of you who know me, these words may be an explanation of why you have not heard from me as much as you wished. For others, it may be a confirmation of what you already knew. For all of you, whether you know me or not, it is a request that you pray for me on this journey.

When freighters make the weeks-long crossing across the oceans, they often allow passengers to ride along. These are not cruise vacations, but instead are small-scale exiles. For years I have thought how nice it would be go get away for a few months, but at the same time realizing that such a voyage would be the worst thing for me. Whenever you run away, you always take yourself along. These months, however, are the best of both worlds. I am away and still present. I really do not know what is on the other side of this. Maybe in July I will come full circle and be in familiar territory. Then again, maybe not. But I know that this journey is long overdue. Pray for me.